Maybe I Can Get Some Illegal Ones...

Happy Fourth of July, people of the USofA!
I think The Fourth is about as American as it gets. Just the words bring to mind tanning on the blanket-strewn grass, smelling the clouds of sweet smoke from the pit, and floating in the algae-green lake till fingers are prunes. Women in bright dresses, getting reverse-raccoon suntan lines from wearing huge glasses all day. Some men wearing far too little. All in the name of their patriotic love of country, and Doritos.

While it isnt raining where I am, its not exactly a hot summer either. Nobody's in a sundress, and I dont know anyone who owns a barbeque. I thought about having a big American BBQ here for all my friends, to give them a good taste of what our great holiday is all about! Then I remembered I dont have friends within a BBQ-sharing distance. Sad. Then my Mom asked me where Id put a barbeque even if I did have one. Out of my pure American Spirit and American-like unwillingness to back down when faced with a challenge, I told her Id balance it on the windowsill, since its the closest Ive got to a porch. I havent spotted a smoke detector in my apartment, so I wouldnt have to worry about setting one of those pesky things off either. Perfect!

Not so much, actually. I dont want to be responsible for a fiery mass of red-hot coals falling from under my grilling tongs onto some poor random stranger's bike. Or face. Glorious, big, street-facing window Setback #5: Witnesses. HOWEVER, my good American friends, I WILL be serving the all-American Fourth of July favorite, hamburgers! They'll be broiled (not grilled), on toast (not buns), with sauteed potatoes (not fries) and apples (not watermelon), but they will be burgers, darnit, and they'll be great! SO great in fact, that I plan on making them for everyone I know here! So the job'll be easy, Ill set the table for two.

Enjoy your firework show, ya jerks!